Every Grain of Sand

I had a conversation with my friend Jenni yesterday and while I adore and cherish everything she says, one thing stuck with me.  I don't remember the exact words, but the basic premise was this: 

We're much happier when we don't know every detail of what goes on in our kids' schools.

What?

I know that sounds a lot like I want to be an ostrich, sticking my head in the sand.  But that's not it at all.  Don't get me wrong - I still want to know who my kids' friends are, who they eat lunch with, how they did on the last math test.  But now that I have a middle schooler, I find that I don't want to know as much.  I don't want to know if the fund-raising money isn't going to what we were told it was going for.  I don't want to know what ridiculous policy the school administration is considering implementing.  I don't want to know how the school runs and whether or not the people who run it actually care about kids and their families or just about wielding power over those around them.  I don't want to hear the gossip.

It's enough for me that I get a weekly e-mail telling what assignments my kid failed to turn it - surprisingly, more than you might expect if you know Jacob - and what his grades are.  Of course, I can log into the district website and check their grades at any time.  And I'm happy with that. 

I have exchanged e-mails with a few of his teachers.  And honestly, one of those exchanges ended with me replying with "I still don't understand what's going on, but I'm going to assume you and Jacob do and that you'll both work this out,"  And you know what?  They did.  Without me. 

I loved the teachers my kids had in Michigan.  LOVED THEM, every one.  And I can say that because I knew them.  I spent time in the classrooms, I enjoyed chatting with them during pick up times and lunch parent duty.  I felt I could talk to them about my kids at any time.  But the flip side is that I knew what wasn't working well at the school.   I knew that it was often not about what was fair for the kids, but more about rewarding parents.  That was inordinately stressful for me.

Now, Jacob gets on a bus every morning and goes to school.  I met most of his teachers at 1st semester conferences.  I didn't go to 2nd semester conferences.  (Teachers told the kids that if you're getting a B or above in the class, tell your parents not to come.)  He gets on a bus and comes home.  I sign forms that for some reason he only brings me at 7 AM.  I say "What do you have for homework?" and he tells me and he does it.  Not doing it will result in remediation during TEAL time, instead of watching a movie in the auditorium with his friends. 

It's all part of my kids getting older and being more responsible for themselves. A concept I whole-heartedly support.  Sometimes I feel that the personal involvment I had in their school when they were younger really burned me.  And burned me out.  I don't have the personal relationships with other parents here that I had there.  I sometimes miss that, but I'll tell you something:  it really cuts down on the pressures and expectations to be the most involved parent, the most helpful parent, the best lunch parent, the principal's buddy. 

Those things don't matter to me.  They never should have.  It's easier to love your kid's school if you only concern yourself with what involves you and your kid.   I'm letting the school do their job and it's been a relief. 

All that to say:  Ignorance really is bliss.  Stick your head in the sand.